Then there is poaching, which is when a person thinks it’s legally okay to go onto someone else’s land and hunt the other person’s animals. It was outlawed by CCSD because the district was bummed after its graduation rates hit rock bottom.

 

Nonetheless, nothing stopped a senior student, who would like to remain anonymous (but too bad), named Clover Lundy. He both tipped and poached Turbo the Charger, the school mascot, who is a majestic creature that looks like a horse suit.

 

The horse was unlawfully grazing on the soccer field during 8th period last Friday, clearly violating the administration’s zero-tolerance policy toward trespassing and showing support for a non-basketball sport. Had the administration known, it would have sent the school mascot to the dean’s office.

 

Then, Lundy showed up. Turbo made the mistake of ignoring the student’s friendly beckoning call, “Come here you sweaty little!”

 

Before federal agents, a hall monitor, or the lone ranger could show up to handle the situation responsibly, Clover Lundy did what years of Bill Nye’s show taught people to never try at home: tipping a charger like tipping a cow.

 

Why couldn’t the mascot just eat off the cafeteria floor like the pigeons rather than risking it outside? No one knows. Next thing the charger knew, it was lying against the dead grass of the soccer field groaning “moo” and a series of other horse-like noises.

 

Lundy did not stop there, though. He then allegedly poached the mascot for its school spirit, which is considered a delicacy in every other high school.

 

When asked why Lundy would implicate himself with the criminal trespassing horse, he replied, “I was in biology, I was bored, and I didn’t feel like reading a book or picking my ear.” That was the first signal he was up to nothing good.

 

“I took the bathroom pass with me, which made it legally okay to walk outside to the field. I saw Turbo grazing on the administration’s land, so I figured what the heck, I can be here too. So I poached it. So it was an accident I guess?”

 

Accident? No. This was no fender bender or teen pregnancy. This situation showed deliberate infractions by multiple parties.

 

First of all, the mascot deliberately trespassed on a sporting field. Then, a student ditched class. Then, he poached the mascot in broad daylight because “what the heck.” And no mascot is ever poached by accident. This is the most crime that the Clark neighborhood has ever seen.

 

There are a lot of positions on the matter, and while some choose to side with the disgruntled Lundy, students who have actually passed their proficiencies blame global warming’s role in this already convoluted spitstorm of crime.

 

A biology teacher and expert on global warming said, “Chargers are known to exhibit erratic behavior in extreme temperatures like 70 degrees. Usually the mascot knows that it only belongs on the basketball court.”

 

On the other side, CNN’s political expert Ann Coulter does not believe in global warming and still sides with Lundy about tipping and poaching high school mascots. Coulter advises Lundy from now on to “Be careful before you choose a mascot” rather than abstaining from trespassing on administrators’ land and stupidly violating horses altogether. Maybe tip a Gael next time.

 

Eventually, the school recovered Turbo’s mangled suit, incurring Lundy’s outrage that his prize mascot, which he intended to attach to his wall above his fireplace, was taken from him. He plans to escalate the issue, tipping other school mascots and neighborhood stray dogs until Turbo is returned to him.

 

Lundy concluded, “That horse and I were breaking the rules out there for 40 long minutes of class time. Now someone better explain to me why we can’t break the school law anymore after all these minutes. I have my bathroom pass, so I have my rights.”

 

All those accused of being guilty for something, including global warming, will stand trial and have to apologize if convicted.

 

**This story is fictitious…except for that Ann Coulter bit: http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/26/opinion/brazile-bundy-wild-west/ it’s on the side of the screen