The Internet is the Future
By Jordan Layola 12-10-13
Y2Kons of the Internet
By Gene Sison 12-10-13
The internet is often referred to as the greatest invention of all time. But as my good friend Isaac Newton once said, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This isn’t related to the internet in any way, but the World Wide Web does have its downsides.
What is productivity? Ever since the invention of the internet, human productivity has plummeted. We’ve all become too lazy for our own good.
Need to find a retirement home to dump your mom in? Forget driving around town and looking for one. We have smartphones now. Just type “Retirement Home” into the search bar and you’ll be free of your mother’s grasp for good.
Book report due in the morning? Words are overrated. SparkNotes the title of the book and you’ll be able to skip the wonderful process of reading and cram a four month project in 30 minutes.
My point is, ever since the internet, we’ve all lost some of our humanity. If you want to ditch your parents at a retirement home, have them help you look for one, like a real family.
You’re not a real Nigerian. In the early days of the internet’s uprising, many were absolutely dumbfounded by its impressive capabilities. And by dumbfounded, I mean dumbfounded. People were willing to throw their wallets at their monitors. Some took advantage of this opportunity by claiming to be Nigerian princes in need of some cash.
How it worked was, these scammers, who sometimes weren’t even Nigerian (which was blasphemy), would contact random people via email and ask them to wire money into this royal account. The money was promised to be returned in full, and then some. The worst part was that it actually worked. Some fools would actually wire money to these “Nigerian princes” in hopes of being rewarded with endless riches.
I’m going to assume that this special breed of stupid went extinct a few years ago, seeing as how there hasn’t been a news story about anyone getting scammed in this particular way for a while now.
You Mad, Bro? Ah, yes. Memes. The straw that broke the camel’s back. Memes became popular when my generation was in middle school, and now we’re desperately trying to put out the wildfire that we unknowingly created.
Memes are hard to define. To put it simply, they’re phrases and/or pictures that seemed hilarious as sixth graders, but beyond aggravating now. It’s almost embarrassing knowing that I used to take part in them. Those were some dark times of my childhood and I’d rather not recollect them.
e-Heroine. Do you ever feel an itch on your neck after spending a period of at least 30 minutes away from your computer, or any electronic device in general? Congratulations. You’re addicted. I’d advise seeking help right away.
The internet works like an intense drug, a sort of cyber heroine. We spend hours upon hours on our computer, but are only able to recollect a few minutes of it. It’s as if time flies as we spend our whole day watching cat videos and movie trailers.
The worst part of it all is that we’re actually harming ourselves. Sitting incredibly close to the monitor is destroying our vision. And the way we position our hands on the mouse and keyboard? We’re bound to get carpal tunnel before we hit 40.
To sum it all up, the internet is slowly ruining our lives. We’re becoming inefficient and our bodies will start deteriorating if we don’t get off of our computers and do something active.
Charger Chant is, however, not affiliated in any way with the internet, and you should all return here every few hours.
You’ll never be bored. Who would have known that all of the knowledge of the world could be accessed with a click of a button? The internet is on a wide array of platforms and could easily be utilized while on the toilet. You may find yourself watching a baby panda sneezing even when you’ve completed your duty ten minutes ago.
“Whenever I’m peeing, I catch myself falling over in laughter as I watch funny videos of babies,” says Lauren Martires.
Not only can you finally escape the boredom of private bathroom affairs, but now you can have something to do instead of wasting your time doing pointless homework. Who needs to complete time strenuous biology homework when you can view a pop-tart infused with a cat, blast through space with the power of a rainbow?
Social Networking. Myface. FaceTube. Tooter. You know what I’m talking about. What has replaced flirting with girls in reality has now transitioned into cyber flirting.
“I’m an underdeveloped seventeen year old boy named Sison. But now, with the power of the internet, I’m a hot, sexy twenty-three year old under the alias Yolo123,” says Sison.
Having a fake name under a face picture has led to the internet slang “catfish,” which describes an individual who creates a false internet identity. Catfishing has provided all the unfortunate individuals with low self-esteem a newfound chance to meet the loves of their lives. They’ve even created a TV reality show on Catfishing, which reveals the hidden identities.
Maintains Relationships. Do you remember that kid in fourth-grade who let dilly hang loose on a cold Thursday recess? Well now you can keep in contact with him by using Facebook. On Facebook, you can thumbs up all their posts and photos and even chat with him!
“I’ve missed my family in the Philippines and now I can finally see how fat they’ve grown with the power of Skype,” says Joanna Pauleen.
Twitter is a great way to let all of your friends know what you’re up to, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Teenager posts on twitter consist of long rants, how hungry they are, or how much they hate school.
“Thanks to twitter, I can let everyone know when I’m washing my hands, how crunchy the apple I’m eating is, or how much homework I have today,” says Lauren Martires.
Siri. Upon the release of the iPhone 4S, siri, the digital voice assistant was born. Siri finally lets everyone feel like they’re living in the future. The days of manually lifting your finger to set your alarm are now over.
Reservations to the nearest McDonalds can be deployed with the power of your voice.
“It’s a whole new age. I can finally tell my mom how much I hate her and siri will magically auto-correct what I say into a heartfelt text,” says Gene Sison.
The Internet is the future, and the future is now.
While the internet has brought in hordes of internet trolls, annoying spam, and ignorant Facebook posts, the internet has a few acceptable advantages.
