studying, high schoolers are on TwitFace and MyTube, complaining about how unprepared they are for their exams.\

 

Midterms are almost here, but that shouldn’t discourage you from preparing yourself for your tests. Make good use of the amount of time you have left.

 

Prepare for the worst. If you get high expectations for your score, you’re going to be disappointed. Think negatively for at least a week in advance. Always set the bar so low, that even a candy bracelet can surpass your goal.

 

Begin by writing out your will. You need to convince yourself that you’re actually going to fail, to the point where your parents will kill you when they see your score. Find a good home for your most prized possessions such as your pristine collection of Nickelback’s greatest hits CDs and your mint condition Duke Nukem: Forever video game.

 

Even if your parents don’t murder you, it never hurts to get a head start on planning out who gets what after your passing. It’s already been decided that I’m getting my dad’s socks.

 

Catch the flu. You can’t take the exam if you’re deathly ill, and you can’t fail if you don’t take it. This works especially well for the midterm exam because it’s right in the middle of cold season, so catching a virus shouldn’t be too difficult a task.

 

Sharing your lip balm, eating unattended food, and using a public bathroom are all excellent ways of finding some nasty germs, but the easiest and most convenient way would probably be by coming to school. This place is filthy.

 

If you're feeling extremely gutsy and want more followers on Twitter, consider faking your own death. It’s a sure fire way to avoid taking your test, and a sure fire way of not failing it.

 

This process is, however, irreversible, so hopefully you took my advice about writing out your will.

 

Be charismatic. Your exam proctors would be much more likely to curve your grade if they didn’t hate you. Show up prepared and dressed nicely, preferably in a suit with a bowtie and big framed glasses.

 

Be friendly to all of those around you, not just the teacher. Buy them food. Exchange TwitFaces. Compliment their butts. Do whatever it takes to get them on your side. If everyone in the room loves you, you’re practically invincible. Hand out a few Sausage McMuffins from McDonald’s and they’ll be begging you to cheat off of them.

 

Most importantly, make sure to acknowledge how great a country America is every few minutes. No one will fail a patriot, as that would be the equivalent to failing America.

 

Studying, sleeping, and eating breakfast are all just myths. They’ve never been proven by a real scientist to boost test scores.