Many students are now forced to drive their cars all around the over-crowded campus until their gas tanks are empty, thanks to the efforts of TASIS (Teachers Against Students In School). These heroes stand outside every morning and shoo away students who wish to just park and go to class.

 

At first, TASIS agents enforced ordinary penalties for infractions (assigning detention, pasting on rude bumper stickers, slashing tires).

 

Now, however, punishments can be quite unusual. Students may be fined 50 dollars or may be forced to spend three turns in jail. Unless they roll doubles. Or have a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

In fact, parking at school is beginning to sound like a familiar Hasbro game…

 

You roll the dice and land on chance. “Advance Honda to Pennwood Avenue.” Whoops! Teachers own that property. Can’t pay? Whoops again! Advance your token or Prius or whatever to Jail! Don’t even think of collecting 200 monopoly bucks. Consider yourself lucky there wasn’t a hotel.

 

Roll the dice again. It’s 7:55 now. The bell rings in five minutes. This time you land on Arville Road in the lot next to the theater. Whoops!

 

Wait for it…

 

Now move your sorry token to jail!

 

From now on students should play it safe and carry some monopoly cash at all times. Nothing makes the TASIS parking secret police turn a blind eye like slipping them an orange 500 monopoly money dollar bill.

 

Many parking sticklers do take monopoly credit cards in case you have one of those newfangled versions of the game, but that’s a slippery slope to getting in trouble with the monopoly IRS.

 

Of course monopoly jail can be avoided with a simple high-speed change through the hallways. Then again, if enough people select this option then pretty soon students will start playing real life Mario Kart in the halls.

 

Beep beep little pedestrian, Honda passing through! Have to pass Princess Peach on the custodians’ kart (you know the orange one that parks in the middle of the hall in passing period and has the horn those guys always honk). Watch out for students throwing turtle shells at you.

 

Board games and videogames aside, TASIS has a short message for students: just park your yachts elsewhere.

 

Park your Ferraris and Lamborghinis down the block across the street from the 7-11. Get some exercise walking back and forth to school. Beware that you might return to find that your fancy car has turned into the community chest.

 

At some point one might as well walk to school due to parking restrictions. Ride your dog to school. Hijack a school bus maybe. You can park those anywhere. Heck, park it on the roof if you want.

 

Speaking of parking on the roof, it’s absurd that students think it is okay to park their cars in a parking lot when at least half the kids who go to Clark High School own private helicopters. There’s a big juicy helipad on top of the cafeteria in case no one has noticed (be careful of the pigeons though; chopped pigeon belongs in the food not on the roof).

 

Park your vehicles elsewhere or bounce to school on your sack of money gamepiece. The teachers who stand outside in the morning policing the parking will be kind enough to watch your vehicles and monopoly cash until the school day ends.